Friday, September 30, 2016
Dad Jokes: Game of Thrones Edition
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Moleskin Recreated the Game of Thrones Intro Using Paper and It’s Epic
No One Is Fooled When Maisie Williams Pretends to Be a Cashier Handing out ‘Game of Thrones’ Merchandise
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Who are the Greyjoys? Everything you should know about this dysfunctional ‘Game of Thrones’ family
Warning: This article contains spoilers for Game of Thrones and A Song of Ice and Fire.
Game of Thrones has plenty of tricks up its sleeve for its upcoming season, but after five years on the air its finally going to release the kraken.
While much has been said about how Game of Thrones is going off-book this season, there are still some book plots that have yet to play out on-screen. For instance, we havent seen Samwell Tarly and Gillys journey to Oldtown, Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarths trips into the Riverlands, or Arya Starks training with the Faceless Men after becoming blind; Jon Connington, Griff, and Lady Stoneheart have yet to make appearances, although the jurys still out on whether they ever will. But by far the biggest plotline still lingering from the books is that of the Greyjoys of Pykeand its been a long time coming.
We know Theon Greyjoy of course. Hes been around since season 1, and weve witnessed the seasons of torture hes suffered at the hands of Ramsay Bolton. We know from the trailers that he and Sansa Stark are on the run from Ramsay and his dogs, but not whether he makes it out unscathed; from what we can tell, Sansa will be just fine for now.
And weve met Balon and Yara Greyjoy (the latter whos called Asha in the books but had her name changed for the show so as to not get confused with Osha), Theons father and sister, sporadically over the past few seasons. We havent seen any of them since Yaras failed rescue attempt in season 4; Balons last appearance was even earlier: In season 3s Mhysa episode when he received Theons penis in a box from the Boltons.
Now its time to meet the rest of that dysfunctional family. (Click here for a larger version of this graphic.)
Max Fleishman
The Bluths of Westeros
The Greyjoys are outsiders, even within the rulings families of Westeros, and although they dont have the kind of famous ancestors strewn throughout their history like the Targaryens or the Starks do, their history is often full of failed attempts to make their mark on it. Theyve been largely ignored in the show as it chose to focus on the Martells in Dorne first.
Before Aegons Conquest, approximately 300 years before the start of Game of Thrones, the king of the Iron Islands was selected through a kingsmoot, a traditional ceremony used to choose kings. (More on that later.) The Greyjoys had an ancestor or two who was chosen this way, but they were chosen as the ruling family once Aegon I Targaryen quashed the rising chaos.
Sure, the ironborn all bent the knee, but that didnt mean they were happy about it. Aegon outlawed the Old Way in Westeros, ancient customs in which the ironborn raided nearby cities, carried women away and made them their salt wives, and burned everything to the ground. A desire to return to those pillaging customs sparked a number of their rebellions over the 300 years since, although none of them were very successful. Quellon Greyjoy, Theon and Yaras grandfather, was an exception to that rule and tried to align the ironborn with Robert Baratheon during Roberts Rebellion. The effects were short-lived: He was killed during the war, leaving the throne to his eldest surviving son Balon, who started a rebellion of his own just a few years later.
Balon, like his forefathers, wanted to restore the ancient customs. And like the many other rebellions, this one failed too. While his three living brothersEuron, Victarion, and Aeronall loyally fought by his side and survived the rebellion, Balons two eldest sons, Rodrik and Maron, died during the war. As punishment for the uprising, he was forced to give up Theon, his only remaining son, as a hostage to the Starks.
The death that was foretold… three seasons ago
As previously mentioned, we havent seen Balon Greyjoy since the end of season 3. He hasnt been essential to the interweaving, intricate plots of the past two years, and he was against the idea of Yara rescuing Theon, so it makes sense. In the books, theres a much simpler reason: Hes long dead by now.
Game of Thrones/HBO
Earlier in the season, Melisandre used blood magic to call for the deaths of the false kings after obtaining it from Roberts bastard Gendry for her king, Stannis Baratheon. Three names Stannis spoke as she tossed the leeches into the flames: The usurper Robb Stark, the usurper Balon Greyjoy, and the usurper Joffrey Baratheon. Robb died at the Red Wedding and Joffrey at the Purple Wedding, but Balons fate has hung in the air ever since. Now, it looks as though the final part of that sacrifice will be fulfilled.
In A Storm of Swords, Balon is the first to die. He falls to his death after he tries crossing a bridge in the middle of a storm in Pyke, and at first glance it looks like a bizarre accident. But many have suspected that Balon was instead killed by an assassin.
Balons death, however welcome for fans and Theon sympathizers, presents itself with an entirely new set of problems.
We shall have no king but from the kingsmoot!
The biggest problem surrounding Balons death isnt that hes dead. Its the matter of which family member will replace him on the Seastone Chairand for those involved, its not as clear-cut as youd think.
A kingsmoot is an ancient ceremony in which the ironborn select the person they want to see rule them and hasnt been used since before Aegons Conquest. Each candidate names three champions, lays out their plans and promises for their people, and uses gifts to show the people how generous they are. The candidate with the vast majority of support is named king.
With many of the chess pieces already in motion, Aeron Greyjoy, a priest of the Drowned God and Balons youngest living brother, calls for a kingsmoot to leave the decision to the peopleas well as try to prevent the wrong Greyjoy from getting power. If it goes the same way in the show as it does in the books, it wont go as planned.
Theon
If you go by pure lineage and Westeross patriarchal line of succession, who should sit on the Seastone Chair is an easy answer. Its Theon. But the biggest strike against him is the matter of no longer being able to procreate. Even if he was the next ruler of the Iron Islands, this same problem would occur after his death since he wouldnt have direct heirs.
Balon points out as much in the show: After receiving Theons genitals in a box Balon essentially disowns him, says that Theon is not a man anymore, and states that he cannot further the Greyjoy line to Yara when she protests the cold treatment towards his only living son.
At this point in the books hes MIA as a prisoner of the Boltons, and while he could still show up for the kingsmoot on the show, he probably doesnt have a chance.
Yara
Balon has groomed Yara to be the son he didnt have ever since Theon was taken to Winterfell, and in the books shes Balons favorite choice to succeed him. She knows the ironborn, she leads the charge into battle, and commands her own ship. Shes defying the gender roles set for her everyday.
Despite any favor from Balon, her gender is a big issue. A woman cannot rule the ironborn, Aeron said about his niece, and as long as the ironborn have been around, a woman never hasand many of them arent about to let one start.
Euron
Euron Greyjoy, or Crows Eye as hes sometimes referred to as, is the next eldest Greyjoy brother and initially the most likely candidate to rule the Iron Islands. He may have also had something to do with the sudden vacancy.
Game of Thrones/HBO
In the books, Euron is banished from the Iron Islands after he raped one of his younger brother Victarions salt wives, which makes his coincidental return one day after Balons sudden death all the more suspicious. The standing theory is that Euron, who has vast knowledge of the East from his travels, hired a Faceless Man to assassinate his brother. Hiring the Faceless Men to kill someone for you comes with a lofty pricethe more important the person, the more it will cost you. Considering that Balon was one of the Five Kings, some believe Euron paid for it with a dragon egg.
Euron is ruthless, cruel, manipulating, and even a bit mad, but hes a skilled warrior, which likely appeals to some of the voters. But hes not a godly man, something that doesnt sit well with Aeron, who prefers that Victarion become the new ruler.
Perhaps it could also explain the shot of Euron being dunked into water in what looks like a ritual for the Drowned God.
Game of Thrones/HBO
Although weve yet to see the scope of the kingsmoot in the show, aside from some footage from the set, Euron is currently the only new Greyjoy officially confirmed to be in Game of Throness upcoming season. Hell be played by Danish actor Pilou Asbk.
Victarion
If you want to get a good idea of what Victarion is like, just go to the person who created him: George R.R. Martin has said that Victarion is basically a dullard and a brute and dumb as a stump. Hes a religious man and a skilled commander, serving as the Lord Captain of the Iron Fleet, and he was loyal to Balon.
While he may not be as hated as Euron, hes got a kill list as long as anyone else in Westeros and hes pretty twisted in his own right in the books. He murdered the salt wive whom Euron raped after she became pregnant in order to retain his honor; he wouldve killed Euron too if kinslaying wasnt forbidden. At one point he burns a ship full of Lyseni slaves as tributes to the Rhllor and the Drowned God.
Because hes a religious man, hes Aerons pick for ruler of the Iron Islands. But will we see either of them on the show?
Why are we being introduced to Greyjoy politics this late in the game?
With tensions rising at Castle Black and north of the Wall, Winterfell, Kings Landing, and Meereen, it may seem like an odd choice to head all the way back to the Iron Islands, which we havent seen in years, even if it is one of the few book plots Game of Thrones can still adapt for TV. The answer to that may be in the details.
In the books, both Yara and Victarion gain support for their plans to move the Iron Islands forward, but its Euron who holds the trump card. He orders one of his men to blow a mysterious dragon horn and tells the kingsmoot that he can bind dragons to do as he wishes. With those dragonsmeaning Drogon, Rhaegal, and Viserionhe says he will conquer and make Westeros great again. Of course, he doesnt mention the effects of blowing the dragon horn; a maester discovered that Cragorn, who died shortly after blowing the horn, had charred black lungs.
If show Euron has that trick up his sleeve, theres no telling what he might end up accomplishing before Daenerys Targaryen and Drogon return to Meereen.
The Greyjoys do not sow. And boy will the rest of Westeros find out.
Illustration by Max Fleishman (Licensed)
Remix by Jason Reed
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How to watch the new season of ‘Game of Thrones’ without cable
Get ready for your Sunday nights to be filled once more with sword fights, dragons, and a lot of ice. The sixth season of Game of Thrones is set to debut April 24 on HBO. If you dont have a full-fledged HBO cable package, there are a number of lower-cost options to watch the new season of GoT. Sadly, all of them involve HBO in some form or another. If you havent sprung for HBO yet through your cable service provider, chances are you wont want to now. So what’s left to do?
Here are all the options to watch season 6 of the Game of Thrones online:
1) HBO Now
Springing for HBOs less expensive, standalone option, HBO Now, isn’t exactly dirt cheap: The service costs $14.99 per month. Still, its cheaper than HBO in its conventional format and gives you access to shows on your smartphone, tablet, and laptop.Youll also get access to sweet vintage HBO content as well.
2) iTunes, Amazon, or another streaming service
If you prefer to go another route, HBO Now is available as an add-on option on iTunes and Amazon. Its essentially the same as signing up on the HBO Now site directly, but if you plan on watching Game of Thrones on an Apple or Amazon device like Fire TV, itll be slightly easier for setup.
You can also watch Game of Thronesif you have a subscription through Sling TV and want to pay the extra $15 per month to add HBO.
3) Get your friends involved
Much like Netflix, HBO Now has no limit on the number of devices you can use under a single account. Meaning that if you have a friend with HBO Now, you can use their password to watch GoT on your own. If you dont want to feel like a moocher, heres another method:
- Find 12 friends who like Game of Thrones but don’t want to pay for HBO.
- Assign everyone a month to pay for HBO Now. Have everyone PayPal the money to you or another trusted person who can deposit the money and then sign up for auto-pay. Come up with a fun communal GoT-themed username and password that is easy to remember but not too easy to remember. You dont want someones little brother to get it and share it with his roommate who shares it with his second cousin who shares it with half of his dorm.
- Congratulate yourself on fighting the system. Invite all your friends over for epic Game of Thrones watch parties to celebrate (which kind of defeat the purpose of distributing passwords in the first place, but oh well).
HBO Go
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George RR Martin and Apple announce interactive Game of Thrones books collaboration
A Game of Thrones: Enhanced Edition, available through Apple from Thursday, promises a world of additional content including sigils, family trees and glossaries
George RR Martin has hailed an amazing next step in the world of books as he announced publication of a new digital edition of A Game of Thrones, featuring a world of additional content and an extract from the forthcoming sixth novel in his bestselling Song of Ice and Fire series, The Winds of Winter.
A Game of Thrones: Enhanced Edition was released on Thursday on Apples iBooks to mark the 20th anniversary of the epic fantasy novels first publication. It offers a world of additional content, said its publisher HarperCollins, ranging from interactive character maps to detailed annotations, character journeys and timelines, family trees and and audio clips.
It includes an extract from The Winds of Winter. HarperCollins said the excerpt had been briefly published on Martins website, but was now available only in the new enhanced editions.
Were now entering a new period in the history of publishing, said Martin, announcing the new edition. The digital book gives readers the ability to experience all this rich secondary material that had not been possible before. These enhanced editions, available only on iBooks, include sigils and family trees and glossaries. Anything that confuses you, anything you want to know more about, its right there at your fingertips. Its an amazing next step in the world of books.
The enhanced digital edition of the second novel in the series, A Clash of Kings, is scheduled for 27 October, while book three, A Storm of Swords is due on 15 December. The fourth and fifth books, A Feast for Crows and A Dance of Dragons will follow in February and March 2017.
A HarperCollins spokesperson remained tight-lipped about a publication date for The Winds of Winter, saying only: As yet nothing has been finalised regarding the publication but when the book is ready, it will be announced through Georges website.
In January, Martin revealed that he had not yet finished the novel, and that it would not be released before HBO aired the sixth season of its hit adaptation of his narrative. Yes, theres a lot written. Hundreds of pages. Dozens of chapters But theres also a lot still left to write. I am months away still and thats if the writing goes well, Martin said at the time.
Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us
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Is this metalcore singer going to play Rhaegar in ‘Game of Thrones’ season 7?
New interactive edition of ‘Game of Thrones’ gives fans a whole new experience
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Before Game Of Thrones’ Season Six Surprises Vote On The Most Shocking Moment So Far!
The season six premiere of Game Of Thrones is nearly here, and we’re giddy with excitement!
It’s been almost 10 months since we last visited the magical realm and it seems that most of the fan’s attention this offseason has been focused on whether or not people REALLY believe Jon Snow is dead.
As startling as the Night Watchman’s alleged death was, GoT has delivered SEVERAL shocking moments over the seasons — from Daenerys’ dragons being born to that nasty little Red Wedding!
Ch-ch-check out all the most shocking moments from the first five seasons of the fantasy show and vote on what event you think is the most jaw-dropping (below)!
Make sure you catch Game of Thrones when it premieres Sunday on HBO at 9 p.m. EST!
[Image via HBO.]
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Get Ready For Game Of Thrones Season 6 With The Cast’s Best Instagrams!
On Game Of Thrones, they lie, murder, assault, and backstab! IRL the worst thing they do is creep on Ryan Gosling!
Before you jump back into Westeros in the Season 6 premiere, catch up with the cast with their best recent Instagram pics.
See Sophie Turner, Maisie Williams, and all the rest being adorable — and not at all homicidal — in between seasons!
CLICK HERE to view “Game Of Thrones Cast: Their Best Instagram Pics”
CLICK HERE to view “Game Of Thrones Cast: Their Best Instagram Pics”
CLICK HERE to view “Game Of Thrones Cast: Their Best Instagram Pics”
CLICK HERE to view “Game Of Thrones Cast: Their Best Instagram Pics”
CLICK HERE to view “Game Of Thrones Cast: Their Best Instagram Pics”
[Image via Instagram.]
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Game of Thrones: latest episode leaks online before TV premiere
Fans post plot spoilers and screengrabs after season six opener makes its way on to the internet ahead of official broadcast
It was one of the most highly anticipated returns in television history but fans of Game of Thrones were let in on the plot sooner than expected after the latest episode was mistakenly made available online hours before the premiere.
The first episode of season six of the fantasy series, based on George RR Martins books, was broadcast simultaneously on Sky Atlantic at 2am and on HBO in the US. But before it aired, some fans posted plot spoilers on websites including Reddit and the Internet Movie Database (IMDB) after footage made its way online early, according to the Telegraph.
While some websites claim HBO was responsible for the leak, others have blamed a Canadian streaming website. The spoilers, some of which were backed up with alleged screengrabs and accompanied by French subtitles, have since been taken down.
Game Of Thrones stars British actors including Emilia Clarke, Lena Headey and Kit Harington, whose future on the show has been the subject of much speculation after his character Jon Snow was stabbed at the end of the last series. The question of whether he was really dead was debated on social media after the episode, which was called The Red Woman.
On Twitter, #GameOfThrones was the top trending hashtag globally for hours before and after the show aired.
As the first reviews were published, the Independent said the premiere wasnt a hugely memorable episode, mostly being given over to setting up the playing field for the rest of the season.
US magazine Forbes said the opening episode was a strong, surprising return to Game of Thrones, adding that readers of the books must resign themselves to the vast differences between TV show and book at this point.
Time magazine said the long-awaited episode did more work tying up loose narrative threads than it did giving us new provocations, while the Hollywood Reporter said the show did what it needed to do by putting this mammoth locomotive back on the track.
The latest series is the first time GoT has moved past the books plot. HBO has announced the show will return for a seventh series in 2017.
Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us
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Game of Thrones premiere: forget Jon Snow we need to talk about Melisandre
Weve been bothering with life and death questions about Jon Snow for a year but the biggest revelation of the shows return belonged to the Red Woman
The season six premiere of Game of Thrones started the same way the fifth season ended, with Jon Snow lying in the snow in a pool of his own blood after being betrayed by the men of the Nights Watch. The big question in the year between that finale and the premiere was whether Jon could really be dead, whether there was some way to bring him back to life.
By the end of the episode, no one cared whether Jon Snow was dead or not. Instead, we all wondered how the hell Melisandre, the Lord of Lights most devoted servant, was still alive. Shes always been a gorgeous man-eater who gave birth to the shadow that killed Renly Baratheon and forced his brother Stannis to sacrifice his own daughter to the one true god. We knew something crazy was going on with her but who imagined that she was possibly centuries old, a woman who went from a pin-up to something completely different by removing a necklace? .
It turns out that the red stone she wears around her neck is enchanted and either transforms her into a comely younger woman or at least makes people see her as one. Is it a gift from the Lord of Light? Is it powered by Kings blood? Is that why she needs so much of it? Does she take it off every night, or was she making an exception now that Stannis is gone? And how does one get their hands on such a necklace?
We know quite a bit about Melisandre and her motives, but this highlights how little we really know about her or how her magic works. Considering shes been hiding this huge secret for so long, what else dont we know? Apparently, fans of the books will know that it has been hinted at and Carice Van Houton, who plays the Red Woman, said in an interview in 2012 that her character was well over 100 years old.
This is one of those revelations that is not only a shock, but leads us to more questions. Ironically, most of those questions are about Jon Snows death. The biggest theory was that Melisandre, who took a scandalous interest in Jon Snow when she first arrived at Castle Black, would raise him from the dead. However, the only time weve seen one of the Lord of Lights priests resurrect someone (back in season three) it was a fresh corpse. Now that Jon Snow has been lying around for a day and a night, is he still eligible for a second life?
Davos Seaworth, who discovered and is protecting Jons body, certainly thinks so: he is going to turn to Melisandre for help. Will we get the answers to all our Jon Snow questions next week? Will Melisandre have to show the world what she really looks like in order to give him a second chance? Or is he really, really, actually dead? Were going to have to wait until Melisandre gets up from her nap to find out. It might take a long time. After all, she is very, very old.
Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us
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The Incest in ‘Game of Thrones’ Makes Watching It with Mom Almost Unbearable
Computer Science Students Created ‘a Song of Ice and Data’, Prediction Software to Tell You Who Will Die Next on ‘Game of Thrones’
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Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Game of Thrones: powerful women and power grabs – The Citadel podcast
With two coups on either end of Westeros, our hosts examine whether Alliser Thorne or Ellaria Sand will be able to wield power now theyve grabbed it
Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us
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Game of Thrones: Books vs. TV Show
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Maisie Williams Crashed a ‘Game of Thrones’ Viewing Party at UCLA
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CALLING ALL FANS!
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Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
‘Game of Thrones’ gets a hilarious, updated ‘Honest Trailer’
With Game of Thrones back this week for season 6, Screen Junkies released an update to the popular Honest Trailer series focused on the HBO show.
The creatorsalready tackled the first three seasons in 2014, which drew 30 million views, and now they’ve updated fans on the honest reality of the series’ bloody, subsequent seasons.
“Return to TV’s most expensive-looking Renaissance fair,” quips the video. “It’s like The Walking Dead if they had any balls.”
The clip points out the increasingly gratuitous nature of both violence and nudity in the series, and jokes that even the inanimate objects like swords now have names you must remember. Warning: The video shares spoilers up through Sunday’s new episode.
The biggest takeaway? Last time Screen Junkies writers begged for Joffrey’s death and got their wish, this time they’re hoping Ramsay Bolton dies.
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Sex, Violence, & Animal Cruelty! Game Of Thrones’ Latest Seasons Get Skewered In Another Honest Trailer!
Game Of Thrones is no stranger to criticism for its sex, its violence, and of course for its sexual violence.
But rarely are the critiques so HIGHlarious!
In a SPOILER-FILLED Honest Trailer for seasons 4 and 5, the HBO megahit gets head-crushed with the gauntlets of good taste and modern decency.
Video: Game Of Thrones Honest Trailer Vol. 1
And it’s seriously funny as f*ck! Hey, no making fun of all the swearing?? LOLz!
Ch-ch-check out the honesty as brutal as the show in the NSFW Honest Trailer (above)!
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Game of Thrones facts and stuff, part 7
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Sunday, September 25, 2016
‘Game of Thrones’ nudity preferred over porn | Fox News
How Game Of Thrones Ends Based On Computer Simulations
We love Game Of Thrones, but it’s not without its flaws. So we ran a 100-percent accurate simulation to see how the story would have played out if the characters didn’t spend half their time sleeping around, torturing each other, and talking about their feelings. The highly advanced technology we used was Nintendo’s Advance Wars: Dual Strike, a 2005 video game about anime characters fighting with tanks.
No gratuitous boobs in this, but we’re sure somebody on the internet has fixed that by now.
We created a map, let the game’s artificial intelligence run amok, and watched as years of rambling storytelling were ruthlessly condensed into 38 minutes of all-out warfare. We also got drunk, watched porn, and grew beards, for maximum authenticity.
So here’s Westeros, which most of you know better than your own country:
And here’s our perfect 1:1 recreation:
The Starks and their allies are red, the White Walkers are blue, and the Lannister-Tyrell alliance is green. Dorne and the Freys’ Twins start off neutral, while Stannis is cut because being overlooked is his lot in life. The Iron Islands are represented on the side, but the Greyjoys aren’t, because the only thing they’ve achieved in five seasons is one very uncomfortable fingering scene, and that can’t be recreated on a Nintendo console until Bayonetta 3 is released.
Across the ocean is Essos, where Daenerys (yellow) has spent five years yelling about slaves while acting entirely with her impressive eyebrows. Here’s her part of the world:
Mother of dragons, first of her name, breaker of chains, protector of pixels.
Now we need to create the Advanced Wars equivalent of 20,000 bearded men who want to kill each other. Game Of Thrones has more political factions than most real countries: Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons, Tyrells, Martells, the Night’s Watch, white walkers, wildlings, the Targaryens, the dozens of interchangeable one-dimensional villains Daenerys has butchered, rogue actors like Littlefinger, that kid who’s way too old to be breastfeeding, and on and on and on. But because most of them are ultimately irrelevant — just like in real life — so we’re chopping this story down to the essentials. First up are the Starks, whose 18,000 men were mostly peasants with pointy objects. So assuming each unit represents 2,000 men, here’s what Robb’s forces look like:
“Nine’s more than enough to invite to a wedding, right?”
The thing that looks like a duck with wheels represents his mounted units, while the soldiers carrying poster rolls / RPG launchers are his knights. And just to his north is a horde of white walkers, which we’ll assume have overrun the wildlings. As for Team Lannister, they start with 20,000 well-trained and equipped soldiers, as well as a small navy …
… while Daenerys has 8,000 Unsullied, 2,000 mercenaries, other miscellaneous soldiers, and three dragons represented by stealth bombers. See, our high-end simulation technology is flawless.
Right down to the dragons’ baffling decision to not simply eat every fleshy human and rule the planet their damn selves.
Snow falls as the war begins, and the very first thing the Starks do is march 2,000 men north to Castle Black and kill 1,000 white walkers.
“You know murder, Jon Snow.”
Fuck. Yes. The walkers were teased from the very first scene of the very first episode, only for 47 more hours to pass before Jon killed a single one. But there are no stories about incest and long shots of people walking endlessly through the wilderness here. The Starks get down to business, taking the walker threat seriously and acknowledging that having the realm’s only line of defense against a terrifying supernatural horde be a collection of poorly-trained rapists isn’t a great idea. While Jon immediately starts the war we’ve been waiting for since episode one, Robb marches the rest of his troops toward the Twins.
It’s amazing the progress you can make in a war when you don’t wait for all your soldiers to die first.
In the show, the Lannisters dealt with their enemies mostly via political machinations and cunning plots. But our Lannister AI said to hell with all that. They also march on the Twins, as well as sending Jaime and Bronn with 4,000 men to take Dorne by force …
… and two assassins equipped with wildfire (represented by remote bombs) straight at the heart of Dany’s forces.
Where, in keeping with the law of the land, they stop and wait while other people do shit.
Dany, meanwhile, sends one team to take Qarth while the rest of her troops march on Meereen, condensing four seasons of wandering and whining into one bold move.
Fire cannot kill a dragon, but boredom can.
So to recap, after a single day of combat, Jon is in charge of the Night’s Watch and leading the battle against the walkers (which, on the show, happened in season five), Robb is at the Twins (season two), Dany’s taking Qarth (season two) and Meereen (seasons three through five), while the Lannisters and Tyrells are actively engaging both of them with actual military tactics (season hasn’t-happened-yet). But while our simulation is cutting the show’s fat, it retains its flair for sudden and dramatic deaths. Sorry, Kit Harington groupies, but the light goes out of Jon’s beautiful doe eyes on Day Two.
He exploded, and then his corpse vanished, so there’s no convenient resurrection or Jesus metaphors for him. But he takes thousands of walkers with him, and it fulfills something Jon predicted in the show — that the Night’s Watch could survive one night of attacks, but not two. Things go better for the Starks south of the Wall, as Robb, free from the sexy distractions of Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter, begins his conquest of the Twins.
Amazing what you can get done when you keep your Little Tramp all zipped up.
No sooner do the Starks lay claim than the Lannisters massacre 2,000 of them in a single gruesome day. In no dimension is holing up with Walder Frey a good move.
“The Lannisters send their fuck yous.”
Meanwhile, their wildfire-armed assassins bring Dany’s dragons to the brink of death, and they wipe out three-quarters of her Unsullied in the process — a tactic that is shockingly more effective than one glass of bad wine and Jorah Mormont’s fickle boner.
The Unsullied’s nonexistent boners were simply no match.
Dany responds by merging her dragons into one three-headed terror with some horrible arcane magic and then, ugh, retreating to Meereen and Qarth to rebuild / sit around and grimace. So just like in the show, we get one awesome dragon moment, followed by a whole lot of nothing.
With pixels, it was too hard to tell if she shit herself this time.
On the third day of conflict, the Lannisters and the Starks start their epic battle …
… while the white walkers seize Castle Black. We’re three episodes into the Nintendo DS version of Game Of Thrones, and while there are no tits (a feature we are supplementing by browsing “Busty Asian Beauties” while the simulation runs), everything else is way more awesome.
Aside from Joffrey still running amok instead of choking on poison and vomit.
On the following day, Daenerys flies her hydra-dragon over Dorne, an important world event the Starks and Lannisters completely fail to take note of because they’re too busy massacring each other.
Had the real Daenerys thought of this, George R. R. Martin could’ve moved on to not finishing a whole other series years ago.
Jaime and Bronn’s troops capture Dorne by standing on it, which is slightly more realistic than the fights they got into there in the show:
“First take, nailed it. Cut!”
The Starks are forced to give up ground at the Twins to hold the Wall …
… while Dany’s King Ghidorah kills 200 of Jaime and Bronn’s men.
You make Jaime fight without Brienne constantly saving his ass, and look what happens.
Despite all the awesome action happening elsewhere — a three-headed dragon attacks a city held by two fan favorites — the camera decides to focus on Meereen, where absolutely nothing occurs. Huh, it’s weird that season five’s storylines play out exactly the same in both versions. It’s a great tactic, though — Dany announces her intimidating presence to Westeros with an attack on the one stronghold that resisted her distant ancestors. That will get her more support than five years of sitting around and grumbling ever could.
Over the next few days, the Starks hold Castle Black but lose the Twins to the superior numbers and resources of the Lannisters, Dany expands her holdings in the East, and Jaime and Bronn flee Dany’s dragon, which moves on to harassing Highgarden. The Starks are confined to the North, but there’s a glimmer of hope — the Lannisters land 4,000 men at the Wall, in an apparent sign that they’re willing to put aside their differences and battle the Walker horde …
… Kidding! The Lannisters immediately attack the Starks, right in front of the horde of ice monsters that want to kill them all and rule their corpses. Which is absolutely what a bitter, vengeful, and drunk Cersei would do. For her, it’s better to see the world destroyed than to see her enemies succeed. And all their attack does is benefit the walkers, as there are now even fewer good men standing between them and civilization.
If you can’t trust an incestuous, murdering wino, who can you trust?
With that incredibly destructive act, everyone in the Seven Kingdoms must be cheering for Daenerys’ dragon to slay the short-sighted Lannisters and save Westeros. So it’s a bit anti-climactic when the exhausted dragon runs out of energy, crashes, and dies. Maybe don’t take your storytelling cues from this particular event, George.
The dragon is exactly how Martin feels after writing more than ten words a day.
Still, Daenerys soldiers on, taking most of Essos with good old-fashioned soldiers alone.
No Unsullied victory teabaggings, cause, you know …
The Starks and the Watch successfully repel the Lannisters in the North, while in the South, Moat Cailin continues to hold out remarkably well (just like in the show). But their numbers are depleted, which means …
… the white walkers are south of the wall for the first time in 8,000 years, and we’re still in season one. The Lannisters are able to occupy Winterfell, the seat of their most hated enemy, but it’s a Pyrrhic victory. The walkers soon push them out and seize the North, and with the new resources available to them, they start fielding tanks. We shall assume these tanks are undead. Thanks a lot, Cersei.
Shame! Shame! Shame!
Arya may have escaped and Sansa is probably being sexually assaulted somewhere, but otherwise, the Starks are dead. The last hurrah by the North is a screaming kamikaze attack on the walkers led by Ramsay Bolton — an oddly heroic yet sufficiently crazy way for the show’s most hated character to make his exit. The Lannisters and walkers begin fighting, while Dany builds boats, lands her vanguard, and finds the southern half of Westeros almost completely undefended.
Everyone was distracted while mourning the tragic death of the guy who castrated dudes and raped girls.
She immediately marches on King’s Landing and defeats the remainder of Jaime and Bronn’s weary soldiers.
Sisters and prostitutes everywhere are inconsolable.
Jaime dies in the city he saved, at the hands of the daughter of the madman he saved it from. It’s a dramatically satisfying conclusion to his character, and it begins the great Targaryen-Lannister-Frost-Monster War. The Lannisters are able to rally their troops and defend King’s Landing, but at too much of a cost. The white walkers march to the Twins and start slaughtering them. It’s unclear if the dying soldiers are able to grasp the narrative irony and thematic significance of being massacred there.
“The Braaaaains Of Castamere.”
Dany lands additional troops and makes another attempt at King’s Landing, and the Lannisters are unable to fight off her naval assault — as they did Stannis’ on the show — because they blew their wildfire on their assassination attempt. On Day 22 of the conflict, Daenerys captures King’s Landing:
With the Mother of Ghidorah on the Iron Throne, the Lannister and Tyrell armies disband and their cities declare their loyalty to the new Queen. At this point, the walkers have overrun the North, but Daenerys has the heartland of Westeros and the combined might of Essos behind her. It’s numbers versus resources, with the only question being how efficiently those resources will be used. So it’s the fight the show has been hinting at for years, reached in under half an hour of simulation time.
The “Previously On Game Of Thrones” intro will be nothing but an ad for the one-disc complete series DVD.
To avoid being overrun, Dany immediately retreats to build her forces and otherwise sit around doing nothing, because while you can take the queen out of the shitty plotline, you can’t take the shitty plotline out of the queen. But Daenerys’ decision also highlights her ruthless side: She lets King’s Landing fall to the white walkers, the entire capital city slaughtered and zombified merely so she can rally her troops.
We’re starting to think she might hold a grudge.
But it works. The Queen gets her army, lines it up along the banks of the Trident — where the Targaryen dynasty fell in the first place after Daenerys’ older brother died in battle — and now she’s either going to restore her family’s name or doom the land to a reign of endless darkness.
Or spend three more seasons sitting around debating which is better.
It’s the final epic struggle, with every character who’s survived to this point putting aside their differences to battle a supernatural threat to their very species. Turns out they don’t need a dragon at their backs, because the true dragon … is teamwork.
The battle takes almost as long as the rest of the war combined, but Daenerys does it. They retake King’s Landing. Fictional humanity is saved!
“It’s Queen’s Landing now. Any objections? No, didn’t think so.”
From there, she drives the white walkers back beyond the Wall, then marches into the far North and topples their frozen stronghold. The Seven Kingdoms are reunited, and their greatest threat is destroyed.
Her traditional warrior garb of a red ball cap, power suit, and half-undershirt struck mortal fear into her enemies.
Oh, and Bran got eaten by zombies at the start of all this, because no one cares about him.
The end!
So there you have it. The dragons are a paper tiger, and Dany will become Queen not through their power, but by giving Westeros what it’s lacked for so long: a ruler willing to unite people against true evil. Jon will give his life fighting the white walkers. Jaime will die trying to redeem himself in the eyes of the people he loves. The Lannisters, in their arrogance, will fail to learn from the mistakes of the Starks. History repeats itself, as the final battle occurs on the same ground where this conflict began years ago. And, most importantly, a decade-old Nintendo game can tell an epic story more efficiently than a big-budget HBO series.
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